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Thoughts on California
14th May 2007
I have this incredible knack for creating more loose ends then I tie up. As I was saying to my parents today, sometimes I feel like a train wreck with people and relationships. I suppose normally with projects this isn’t the worst thing. If nothing else I’ve thought that it keeps life interesting and there’s always something going on. Relationships with friends or otherwise is a bit different.
These writings have had what Paul Krietman would call mission creep. Originally, they started as a way to keep track of me when I was in Bangladesh, as well as a place for inside jokes and a venue to whine about topics such as lost love. I’m not sure what this is now. I’ve been going back through them to figure out the point where they started loosing that direction I long for.
So, realization of a problem is the first step to fixing it. What then does the immediate future hold? Well for starters a return to California. Otherwise what?…A construction worker migrating from island to island for decades like this guy?
Really, a nice enough guy and not the worst life ever… but it’s not for me.
Having said that, I’m not quoting any dates on coming back from Hawaii anymore. IT WILL PROBABLY BE SOONER THEN I TOLD EVERYONE. I realized that I’m still comited to my goal of working with NGO’s or non profit organizations that are trying to make sure peoples basic needs and secondly socioeconomic status is lifted. I’ve been hibrernating in Hawaii, I’ve realized. It’s time (past due) to continue working toward those goals.
What have I been doing so far in California? So far I’ve been working in a room where my grandfather and I used to watch baseball games while I counted my baseball cards, saw two of my closest friends get married, put a few small things to rest, and said what I hope is a short goodbye to some of the most important people in my life. This trip to California has been a little more confusing then relaxing. But I’m trying to be positive about it. Life has a funny way of coming back around to work itself out and show you where your going wrong. It feels a bit overdue to be honest. Rach used to say that I might need to scrub the floors first in order to get where I want. I’m still looking at this as that point in life, but it’s quickly growing old. The trip has put several things in perspective though. For instance, a note on the last few months: there’s a thin line between going a direction you don’t necessarily want to and masochism, one which I feel I’ve crossed several times.
One of the things I noticed as I looked back through these recent writings and last few months is a lack of wide-eyed awe at the world and people that was so prevalent before. It’s slowly coming back.
I hope all of you out there are well. Best of luck to all of you in transition. I hope our paths cross again soon.
Shosh…I love your writings. Please keep them up…I will be honest, you have become one of my favorite authors. Rico and I will be seeing you tonight…very recent crossing of paths…SWEET!
Comment by Rach — May 17, 2007 @ 5:08 pm
OK, your entries are much harder for me to comment on than are Becka’s and Rachel’s. And actually neither of them has posted in months, so I’m a little rusty. BUT, I do admire and endorse bloggers out there such as yourself, who bring their sentiments and insights to the world..and I hope you continue to do so, with consistency (ech hem - becka rach??)
Yeah, first of all, I think it takes a very special person with unique needs and desires to be able to happily live out the life of the island-hopping construction worker. I am happy for you to have realized that it is not the life you are after, now rather than 20 years from now. Although, if you were to realize this in 20 years, you would probably realize this having a strong construction worker’s physique, a nice tan, and a nice head of hair (from the looks of it, you may gray eventually, but lose it - nah).. which means that you would still then be in a great position to make a change a lifestyle and potentially find a wife, settle down etc.. You know.. father time is not as kind on us women!! add 20 years on to my life and I will probably be having hot flashes, “stuff” would be sagging, and not only my eyelids.. wouldn’t be so easy to just turn things around - I guess what I’m getting at is that I am happy you are finding your way sooner than later, BUT, if you weren’t, you would still be in a much better position than a girl, say 26 years old and uncertain of the things she wants in life..Bc guys just have it easier.. yes, you heard me. Despite my tone, I am not bitter with the world. Merely pointing out the obvious.
OK, since I already got the PMS cranky-ness out of the way, and there are many levels to this point of yours, I am going to just focus on one point…WHICH IS, that slowly returning is your “wide-eyed awe at the world and people.” I am happy to hear that you have not only realized that you had lost this in the first place, but also that it finds its way back to you. I do firmly believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It is crazy to think that you were in probably one of the most beautiful places in the world (Hawaii, never been there though) and had temporarily lost this capacity. I’ve been to absolutely beautiful places too, and had moments when I just felt completely out of touch with my surroundings, and myself - couldn’t appreciate the special beauty..so what’s the point. I could just as easily be back in good ole Queens, if I wanted to live routinely. BUT, the capacity to be amazed and awe-inspired is what makes us alive (not scientifically, but whatever) - and we need to be able to realize when it is missing, because we can always find our way to where we belong at a given time.. and everything within us just gets back in tune with the universe and BAM!! You’re walking in the grody subway, in 100% humidity - hair a-fro, and you see someone’s buck fall outta his pocket when he reaches for his cell, and a fellow New-Yorker grabs it and returns it.. and just seeing that small gesture of brotherhood can put a silly little grin on fro-hair girl’s face (umm me) - because we have to find and appreciate the little things that can amaze us. What am I rambling about.. I am just too comfy here with my laptop.
I ate like a monster today. PMS can do that. And right now, having finished my little comment, I am thinking about what to stuff in my face next. and I attribute that, not only to my PMS, but to boredom!!!!! My best buddies over here are outta town.. and the weather sucks.. so, gives me time to just veg, and think.. and I think I need to do something productive today. BTW - still recovering from that let-down Grey’s Anatomy finale.. Hope you aren’t into that show, bc if you are, you are also probably feeling as crappy about it as I am..
I hope you have found a smidgen of substance in my chatter, Keith Erickson.. Ohhh and btw, very jealous you, Rachi and Mexi all got to enjoy some Mexican chow chow and chug chug without me!!!!!!!!!! I’ll be back in Cali one of these days
Be well mighty Keith!!!!!
ali
Comment by ali — May 20, 2007 @ 1:36 pm
Hi Keith,
Thought about you today as I was wasting away on the computer. Finally a day of relaxation.
Anyways,
As a fellow Hawai’i resident, I felt that I needed to make a little comment. I don’t know how much of the islands you’ve ventured to, or how many contacts/people you’ve invested in here- but the life of the leathery construction worker, drifting island to island is a very very small glimpse into the life of those in Hawai’i.
I find this entire concept VERY interesting, because it seems that you have the exact same conception of Hawai’i that I did after my first 2 years on Maui. Stagnant, beautiful. Lacking.
I think this viewpoint comes from a lack of committment to the place. Even if its a short committment. Being somewhere doesn’t quite exact the same rewards as living there does.
I may be rambling and may have mispercieved your blog, but may I suggest digging into some of the major political issues in hawai’i. You may find them extremely stimulating and disturbing. Hawai’i has a very controversial history, politics are exhausting, people are suffering. Its a strange world once you really see it. I only came to see the issues in Hawai’i after living on Oahu. every island has its own culture and they’re all facing grave danger constantly. Whether those dangers come from development, lack of development, political corruption, environment apathy, or the dramatic imbalance of poverty/wealth. As a visual photojournalist, there may be a lot of Hawai’i that you’re missing out on.
Just a thought.
I’ll comment you another time with some great Hawai’i blogs/websites that you might be interested in.
I’m sure you have, but the Honolulu Weekly is stimulating, despite its turns towards the mainstream.
Take care,
Christen
Comment by christen vidanovic — May 25, 2007 @ 7:49 pm